Wikia's Weird Mysteries/The New Girl in Town
The New Girl in Town is the fourth installment of Wikia's Weird Mysteries and the fourth episode overall. After some revelations, Crimmy and Tom decide to take matters into their own hands with Claire's problem and put her in a position of vulnerability. Meanwhile, every guy (including the gays) start being attracted to a new girl in town (which isn't River Peaks tradition). Episode Part 1/3 Back at the woods with Tom, Crimmy and Claire... If you don't remember, Claire is fucking psycho and she's carrying a dead body. TOM: YOU KILLED HER TF?! CRIMMY: CLAIRE WHAT DID YOU DO Claire puts the body on the ground, revealing a dead Kitty. CLAIRE: We had... to kill her... She knew... about the demon... CRIMMY: I'M SORRY WE? WHO'S WE? TOM: AND TF ARE U TALKING ABOUT DEMONS? Claire faints, but this time it's orange slime coming out of her. TOM: This is fucking weird I can't even CRIMMY: Should we call a doctor? TOM: Yeah I'm single and ready to mingle CRIMMY: I MEAN CLAIRE-- TOM: OH RIGHT UMM, IDK CRIMMY: FFS WERE FUCKED Suddenly they hear steps, and Tom grabs a gun that was on Claire's hand, Crimmy grabs the flashlight and they see a dark figure in the shadows approaching them. CRIMMY: TOM SHOOT YOU STUPID BIT-- Tom pulls the trigger but it ends up landing on his knee. CRIMMY: WHAT HOW EVEN TOM: this is r00d ???: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SHOOT ME The dark figure reveals to be Mandy. MANDY: GUYS I JUST RAN AWAY FROM FUCKING ANGIE TRIPLETS AND THEY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT A DEMON-- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT Mandy notices a bloody Claire holding a dead Kitty. MANDY: omg what the fuck is happening in this town CRIMMY: We have to do something about Claire TOM: But what Suddenly Claire wakes up, and screams like a bitch. CLAIRE: WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE WE HERE AN-- OMG KITTY WHAT THE FUCK WHICH ONE OF YOU KILLED HER?? TOM: You did. At first, Claire looks confused and shocked, but then she realizes what she's done. CLAIRE: Um... guys please... You don't know what this is MANDY: The Angie triplets said something about The Great Basic White Demon CRIMMY: How did they know about whatever the fuck that is? MANDY: They said I was a sacrifice and they tried to kill me, but I killed them TOM: no shit CRIMMY: Hm... this is fucking confusing, how the fuck are we going to solve thi--- MANDY: TO THE MURDER WALL They all magically teleport to the Murder Wall after they have put Claire to rest. MANDY: OK BASICS, MANDY IS HERE TO SOLVE EVERY FUCKING DETAIL OF THESE PAST MYSTERIES TOM: I should be surprised but I'm not MANDY: So as we all know, all these past cases have had one thing in common CRIMMY: Stupid shit that should be impossible but is happening for some fucking reason MANDY: Um yeah, but what I'm saying is that who is behind these cases tho? TOM: Ricky? MANDY: NO, I mean think about the first mystery: Ricky was in cahoots for what it seemed was a DEMON, NEXT MYSTERY, we were all trapped in Fearless Diva's house by a DEMON, AND THE NEXT MYSTERY WHERE KITTY WAS APPARENTLY A WOLF BUT NUH UH IT WAS FUCKING ANGIE TRIPLETS BECAUSE THEY WERE IN CAHOOTS WITH A DEMON! TOM: I GOT IT, ITS THE ANGIE TRIPLETS MANDY: How about you go check on Claire TOM: Nope that bitch is fucking insane she killed Kitty-- MANDY: OMFG KITTY WE FORGOT HER BODY AT THE WOODS WE NEED TO GO BACK TOM: FINE IM GOING TO CHECK ON CLAIRE Tom leaves the Murder Wall room. Crimmy and Mandy go back to the woods only to find Kitty's body isn't there, and it's place a letter. MANDY'' (reading the letter)'': Hey Mandy, so basically you're fucked, so have fun surviving the next three days. Good luck, cause bitch, you're gonna need it. With love and disgust, The Great Basic White Demon. CRIMMY: omfg is that bitch serious MANDY: We are fucked. The next day of school... CRIMMY: So how are you holding up? MANDY: Well just found out a demon is after me, one of my friends is probably going to be blamed for murder and I haven't been fucked this month. CRIMMY: Speaking of fucked... Down the hall Reg and Roger are being BFFs and high-fiving each other. MANDY: I'm honestly shook CRIMMY: Don't we have a demon to kill Reg and Roger walk over to Crimmy and Mandy. REG: Hey Crimmy, tap that ass ROGER: Are you going on a date with us CRIMMY: Actually I-- REG'' (mimicking Crimmy)'': I have shit to do I have to play ROBLOX and be a dumb bitch waa waa ROGER: LMAO YAH SHES SO BASIC Suddenly a new girl starts walking down the wall. Just imagine the fucking hottest bitch you've ever seen. Blonde eyes, blue eyes, all that basic shit. Suddenly every guy starts looking at her, including Tom. MYSTERIOUS HOT GIRL: My name is Carmelita. TOM: OMG PLS FUCK ME WITH YOUR HORNY PURPLE EXPENSIVE DILDO Every guy starts cheering her and trying to fuck her, but she just keeps walking fabulous. MANDY: Ok what the actual fuck CRIMMY: Sounds like a WEIRD MYSTERY TO M--- Crimmy gets bitchslapped. MANDY: THAT'S MY FUCKING LINE I GET PAID FOR IT NOT YOU Part 2/3 After school... Claire is resting at Mandy's guest bedroom, and Tom is watching her to make sure she doesn't kill any more bitches. TOM: Claire are you like OK? CLAIRE: Tom, I'm not feeling very well tho TOM: I'm not a fucking registered nurse what do you want me to do CLAIRE: Well, umm, you could call a doctor TOM: A hot doctor? CLAIRE: Sure whatever TOM: OK BITCH BUT WE'RE NOT SHARING Tom runs out of the room to call a doctor. Claire stops pretending to be sick, and goes to Mandy's wardrobe and picks out the ugliest fucking sweater given to Mandy on Christmas, puts on her Cruella wig and climbs out the window. Tom then comes back to the room. TOM: GOOD NEWS FOR ME BITCH I'M GETTING LA-- Tom notices the open window and realizes he's fucked. At Carmelita's house, Mandy and Crimmy got an invitation to go at her party. CRIMMY: This is classy MANDY: Alright, let's just make sure this doesn't turn into fucking inferno mode. CRIMMY: I'm praying Tom isn't letting Claire out of sight. Suddenly Mandy receives a call from Tom. TOM: I LET CLAIRE OUT OF MY SIGHT MANDY: Are you actually fucking serious rn TOM: PLUS I CALLED DOCTORS BC SHE ASKED FOR IT BUT I CALLED AN EXTRA FOR HER AND IT'S THAT BITCH FROM TIMELESS AND HE'S A DOCTOR NOW IDK WHY MANDY: umm TOM: So like a question, should I go after Claire or have a hot threesome with these doctors? Crimmy, who is listening to the phonecall as well, triggered, she steals Mandy's phone. CRIMMY: WHY NOT FUCKING BOTH Crimmy hangs up. Tom then turns around for the docs. TOM: Ok you straight doctors, let's stop beating around the bush and let's fuck on a limo quick, I have a demon to chase Back at Carmelita's... CARMELITA: Thank you all sexy men to come ALL THE MEN: THANK YOU CARMELITA, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND SEXY LIKE A YOUNG VERSION OF MARGOT ROBBIE AND ARIANA GRANDE AND SOFIA VERGARA AND PENELOPE CRUZ AND CAMILA MENDES AND CAMERON DIAZ COMBINED CARMELITA: Oh please, stop it you are making me blush CRIMMY'' (drinking scotch and mimicking Carmelita)'': "OH PLEASE, STOP YOU ARE MAKING ME BLUSH" CARMELITA: Enjoy the party as we will watch the Super Bowl All the men cheer. Mandy and Crimmy then hear Roger and Reg talk about Carmelita. ROGER: Wow, not only is she sexy and classy... REG: BUT SHE LIKES FOOTBALL TOO! They high-five. (NOTE: If this isn't how straight guys talk well I'm sorry but this is a one dimensional gay bitch you are talking too so stfu and enjo-- I mean please don't sue us) When the Super Bowl starts and every guy is distracted, Crimmy and Mandy notice Carmelita going to the kitchen, suspiciously. Crimmy and Mandy follow her around and see her going down some stairs, suspiciously. Crimmy and Mandy see where the stairs are leading up too: an attic, which she enters, suspiciously. Then Crimmy and Mandy follow her and Carmelita takes off her irresistable face and reveals... CRIMMY: OMG WTFF Crimmy pulls out a gun out of fucking nowhere and shoots her in the arm. Mandy and Crimmy walk up to Carmelita in the ground, who turns out to be... CRIMMY AND MANDY AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME: KITTY?!?! Part 3/3 CARMELITA: Umm... yes and no. CRIMMY: tf? CARMELITA: Yeah, so like I knew I was gonna be killed so I went to the Jiggerita's abandoned Sock Factory tho her socks lived there and they remade me into this iconic version CRIMMY: accurate, also Jiggerita's socks are still alive? MANDY: Plus, how did you know you were gonna die CARMELITA: I can't tell that to you otherwise those fucking psychos will kill me MANDY: WHICH PSYCHOS CARMELITA: We need to go for some other secret room to talk about this Carmelita, Mandy and Crimmy walk for like dozens of secrets stairs until they arrive the secret room. They enter it and as the lights turn on, Carmelita asks them to sit. CARMELITA: So I'm sure you're all aware of what's been happening, the kidnappings and the killings MANDY: Yup, we've actually been investigating CRIMMY: And let's not forget the fact you tried to kill me MANDY: Didn't I tell you, it was all an hallu-- CARMELITA: Hallucination--- Carmelita gets bitchslapped. MANDY: DON'T INTERRUPT ME CARMELITA: DO YOU WANT TO FIND THE TRUTH OR NOT CRIMMY: Damn Kitty you are surprisingly smart rn CARMELITA: I'm not Kitty I'm just an upgraded sock, I had to make out with Jiggerita's body to get the upgrade paid MANDY: Anyways you were saying CARMELITA: So I accidentally went upon Angie's recordings of you guys that he had installed to watch you and control you, and then Angie said some japanese bullshit and tried to kill me, that's why when I heard Crimmy and Tom's conversation about Claire's slime shit, I knew I had to talk to her into making an alliance and saving her CRIMMY: Do you know what may have caused the slime tho? CARMELITA: That's what I've been trying to figure out, but that the slime is changing color is definetly not good ???: Or healthy MANDY: Umm... Ulises? Ulises steps out of the shadows. MANDY: Get back to the Super Bowl and... how did you find us? ULISES: Try to guess Mandy, SINCE YOU ARE SO FUCKING SMART Ulises gets a mythological knife and changes it to Mode: Kill. MANDY: I remember that knife... IT WAS FILLED WITH BLOOD AT THE STRIP CLUB WHERE RICKY WAS HELDING THE STRAIGHT GUYS HOSTAGE ULISES: GUESS WHOSE BLOOD THO BITCH Ulises tries to stab Mandy but Carmelita kicks him and starts catfighting with him. Ulises grabs the knife and stabs that bitch tho, and he follows Mandy and Crimmy up those fucking long stairs. Ulises gets his gay walkie-talkie. ULISES: Babe, I may lose Crimmy and Mandy, you need to send something to attrack them to the battlefield Back at Tom, he ended having hot amazing sex with the doctors, and the limo pulls over. TOM: LETS GO BITCHES DOCTOR #1: After this, I am definetly leaving my wife to live a romantic life with you TOM: SHUSH ITS CLAIRE They see Claire opening a portal with her eyes to a room. Tom and the doctors find the room, only to find dead people everywhere. Suddenly they see Claire walking. CLAIRE: HELLO? THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE TO MEET RIGHT? ITS CLAIRE ASHBROOK! THE ONE WITH THE ORANGE SLI-- Suddenly her mouth is covered by a hot black hand. Claire ends up realizing it's... CLAIRE: HOLY SHIT, CHUCK CLAYTON Tom's jaw is dropped. DOCTORS: We should go, we had a really fun time and we would love to fuck you ag-- Tom punches the doctors and they land on the ground and run away to never be seen again. TOM'' (running to Chuck's direction)'': CHUCK MY BABY YOU'RE ALIVE!! Tom and Chuck kiss each other and hug romantically. CHUCK: Hey babe, sorry I was straight but I'm gonna be loyal to you because you're fine, plus I love comic books now and I'm inspired TOM: Oh Chuck, I love you and I'm sorry I cheated you with two hot doctors but their cocks were small anyways I LOVE YOU CHUCK CLAYTON CLAIRE: Tom, what are you doing here, it's dangerous! TOM: NO IT'S DANGEROUS FOR YOU, WE HAVE TO LEAVE Suddenly the portal closes and Claire, Chuck and Tom are stuck there, and suddenly they hear... DEMONIC VOICE: Oh my children, just where do you think you're going? The Great Basic White Demon steps out of the shadow, revealing an all black figure. Then, the Demon takes the black mask off, revealing... CHUCK: HOLY CLAIRE: SHIT TOM: VERSACE?! Versace laughs like a villain from a Disney movie. CLAIRE: We are so fuckedCategory:"Wikia's Weird Mysteries" Episodes Category:"Wikia's Weird Mysteries" Season One Episodes